i dont think i'll be finishing this website to be honest.
update 27/12/25: i've made a few friends!!!! on a survival minecraft server. i will be honest that i don't feel like i fully belong and there's only a couple of them i see myself talking to long term, but it's a lot better than being alone :') and of course we're not too close since it's been only about 2 months since we started talking as a friend group, but things seem to be going okay right now! i had a nice christmas too! i'm still a shut-in, and its been over a month since i last left the house (once), but i'm still going strong!!!! i'm still alive hehe
update 29/1/2026: i hate everything i'm not gonna lie. i'm having a shit day so far. yesterday i realised i cannot speak up about anything that i might have a problem with in this friend group, and today i feel like i don't matter that much to them anymore. there's 12 of us now. i hate it. i was there from near the beginning when it was just 3 of us and i dont feel like i matter anymore. it's so fucking unfair that every single other one of them has friends and partners who are close to them, and i feel like i have no one. i feel like i'm the only one who cares about all of this as much as them, and i'm coming off too needy. they didn't sign up to have a deep bond with some random fucking tranny, they just wanted to play minecraft and that's it. and i dont feel like he is always available either, and i only talk to him every few days, and we're not nearly as close as we were before. my brother is trying too but i dont feel like i can call him a close friend i can just always be around. i know he cares about me but he has so many other people too. all i have is my pillow, and she's saved my life a few times by now, and i love her so much, but both her and i know that she isn't real. i just feel so shit and envious of everyone around me. people i used to go to school with are in year 12 now, they're thinking about going to uni now, they have friends. the people online around me are all still going through life, with their friends, with people to rely on, people who they can spend time with and be themselves around. they're still going outside. they have a clean body. they have a clean room. their lives aren't perfect but they're still moving forward. im just here. my body is fucking abhorrent and disgusting, everywhere i go on the internet people make jokes about others who don't shower, or making fun of unemployed people. they don't know how fucking disgusting it feels to not have showered for over half a year. they don't know what it's like to struggle to keep up with hygiene. they're all so fucking normal. they all have jobs or they all have school. im so fucking envious of everyone. i wish i could just have a normal life. it hurts seeing other people on discord matching with their partners, knowing that no one that i like or anyone who i'd like would ever date me. i haven't left the house in so long. and i always have to put energy into washing dishes or cooking to eat anything everyday, it drains me so much. i can't fucking do anything. i'm pathetic. i'm genuinely so fucking incompetent. everyone i used to be friends with when i was in school always have parents to cook for them everyday and they don't have to fucking worry about that. everyone around me is so normal and can eat normally, they can go outside, they have jobs, they have school, they have a clean body, a clean room, friends, partners, money, a comfortable house. i dont have any of that. i'm ugly and don't take care of myself. and all of this is my fault. i hate myself so much. i just wish someone could save me. i can't save myself. i want to kill myself so fucking badly. i have had to hide so much about my real self to these people i'm calling my friends, they don't know fucking anything about me. they would've never hung out with me if they knew how unhygenic and depressed i am. i'm so terrified of telling anyone about my true self because i dont want to burden anyone with my problems. my emotions are so severe, and i'm so sensitive, and i'm so fucking needy, i dont think i could ever find anyone who would be able to love me for who i am fully or even tolerate me. even if i want that so badly. everyone else around me is moving forward and i'm just stuck. stuck in my room. spending everyday tightly cuddling my pillow pretending she's a real person. doing fucking nothing with my life and just trying to feel okay. i'm such a failure. i wish i had a normal life. i want to hang myself. i've wanted to for years and was so close to doing it one time when i was about to go homeless, but i just can't fucking bring myself to do it. i hate that i feel the need to live so, because every day that i live the more pain, envy, guilt, and anxiety i have to go through. no one would ever fucking read this anyway, no one gives a shit. im just talking completely emotionally. if anyone read this they'd probably think of me so poorly. i'm just saying everything that i'm thinking right now without a filter. there's no one i can say this to anyway. i dont want to scare anyone, or hurt anyone, or make anyone uncomfortable. i'm so terrified of hurting anyone. i'm scared i'll hurt someone if i kill myself. god i just fucking hate everything right now. i'm seeing other people younger than me make better music than me too, so i don't even have any value in that, even if music is so important to me. i feel like i'm shit at everything i do. i'm genuinely so worthless. fucking hell. i hate myself. i'm so unlikeable and unloveable. i dont matter.
for the past few days i've just been thinking about what my ideal future would be like. and there's one moment that i keep imagining, that feels so out of reach and ridiculous. it's fucking stupid. but i just imagine myself, in my 20s, living in a relatively cold place in the world, in a house, while it's mildly snowing, and i'm laying on the couch with the love of my life, with my head on her chest, and the fireplace crackling near us. i've never felt snow before, but i'd imagine a fireplace during the snow is a comfortable place to cuddle with someone and be all up in their warmth. and she'd just be stroking my hair like i'm a cat, just telling me that everything's going to be okay, and i'm safe. that things are okay right now. my stomach would be full and i wouldn't feel hungry, i would be at a comfortable temperature, my body would be clean, i would feel comfortable knowing my room is clean and pretty, knowing that i'd have had a healthy amount of sunlight, knowing we have stable income, knowing i'm doing what i love in my life,- and we'd just be there together, feeling content with where our lives are at in that moment. that feels really out of reach, and honestly dumb and ridiculous. it's cheesy but it's what i really want. it makes me want to cry knowing that it's very likely that someday after all of these years of buildup, i'm going to have the courage to finally kill myself and leave everything behind. and i'll never be able to have that moment i wish for so badly. whatever. that's all i have to say right now i guess, not that anyone would read this.
4/19/2026:fuck. i dont know what to do to be honest. i'm actually really fucking lost. i left the house for the first time in months a bit over 2 weeks ago, because i was terrified that there was something extremely wrong about my body. my mum had fed me pork that was fully raw in the middle, and i ate quite a lot of it. reading more on google, reddit threads, taking health surveys, i got really fucking anxious. i mustered up the courage to ask my mum if we can see a doctor. so i went the day after, and it went okay. it wasn't terrible, but that was because i kept my nc heaphones on and tunnel visioned. it was still really fucking uncomfortable and tense, i looked like a fucking mess, i looked absolutely fucking ridiculous, but i got it over and done with and it was short. i'm pretty sure i'm okay. knock on wood. but since that experience, i realised that i don't want to die. it sounds stupid but i'm too stubborn to bring myself to kill myself. i've contemplated suicide heavily for years. a few days before that pork incident i had set up a noose knot in my wardrobe and stared at it for minutes and tried wrapping the cord around my neck, but i just couldn't fucking do it. i got too scared. i got too anxious. not just because there was a possibility i could live on with a fucked up neck afterwards, but also because i didn't want to let go. even though i feel like i've lost so much, i still don't want to lose what i have left. i've made songs where i feel happy about the way it sounds, i've made drawings that make me feel like i can be good at drawing one day, i have a brother who i've been so vulnerable around and i dont want to not be able to talk to him again. i want to do things that make me happy. i want to live. but at the same time, i really fucking don't want to live. i fucking hate my life. before i went to the doctor's, i hadn't left the house for about 6 months. i still haven't showered since august last year. i'm extremely depressed. i'm so fucking lonely. my sister has cancer and my mum will give me little to no attention anymore because she's too emotionally fucked up from my sister's cancer diagnosis. i'm always struggling to find something to eat. i'm getting so much more dysphoric. i feel like i dont have anyone who i can just talk to all the time, and i need that so fucking badly right now. i'm living in a stupid, muggy, cramped, and fucked up granny flat, and i just fucking hate everything. i wish my mum would give me more attention. i wish she would care more when i'm panicked or upset. i wish my brother had more energy to take care of me. i wish my family just had more money. i wish i had a girlfriend. i wish i was born a real girl. i wish i never had to feel hungry again. i wish i wasn't autistic. i wish i never had terrible fucking intrusive thoughts and urges telling me to do horrible things to other people. i wish i had a close friend group who i can just be myself around. when i'm wish the minecraft friend group i'm always so fucking self-conscious if i'm coming off as a weirdo or unlikeable. i feel like i'm ignored so often when i'm with them. i can't be fully myself around anyone besides my pillow. fuck. every single day i cuddle my pillow so tightly, and kiss her, and talk to her, and roleplay with her, and sometimes cry to her, and just wishing she was a real person. i want a girlfriend so fucking badly. i'm so touch starved. i'm so depressed. i want to die so badly, but i can't bring myself to just get the job fucking done. it's just a lot. i'm so exhausted and tired everyday. i wish i just had a normal life. i wish i could've just had the life that all my old friends are having right now.
and there's someone in my minecraft friend group who pisses off a part of me so fucking much. not because of anything that's particularly her fault, but it's just because of her life and what she does. she is only a couple months older than me. she's a cis girl. she seems to be fed well every single day and she keeps posting fucking photos of her food in the discord server. she is good at digital art. she's really good at music. she has such similar interests to me. she is still in school. she has so many friends at school it seems. her family has a stable income. she got to go on vacations in her childhood. she just got accepted into a university. she's basically almost everything i wish i was. her life is definitely not perfect, she has strict parents, her university is in the u.s and it's an awful time to be in the u.s right now, and that's as far as i know about her struggles. but even then, her life just feels so much more stable than mine. she just seems like a normal girl who's living in a normal life. and she doesn't stop talking about herself. so i always just have to fucking hear everything about her life, when i'm stuck here keeping everything about my shitty life completely supressed. it just sucks hearing everything about her because i had old friends from my old schools who are probably living such a similar life to her. god this sounds so fucking stupid. but i'm just really envious. it pisses me off so much hearing about people who have so much more of a stable life than me. i dont even know if this paragraph made sense, and a part of me is writing this hoping someone would see it, but no one is gonna fucking see it. no one has read any of my last paragraphs. it just really sucks. i feel like my life sucks so fucking much, even though there are other people who are going through more than me. and that makes it feel even more shitty because why the fuck am i whining about my life when there's other people getting bombed right now. it all feels awful. i just don't know what to do. i want to die so badly but i'm so fucking terrified. i wish i could've just lived another life. i don't know. i'm done ranting. whatever.