since this is under construction for now, please appreciate this stamp of queen cynikka my beloved <33333
update 27/12/25: i've made a few friends!!!! on a survival minecraft server. i will be honest that i don't feel like i fully belong and there's only a couple of them i see myself talking to long term, but it's a lot better than being alone :') and of course we're not too close since it's been only about 2 months since we started talking as a friend group, but things seem to be going okay right now! i had a nice christmas too! i'm still a shut-in, and its been over a month since i last left the house (once), but i'm still going strong!!!! i'm still alive hehe
update 29/1/2026: i hate everything i'm not gonna lie. i'm having a shit day so far. yesterday i realised i cannot speak up about anything that i might have a problem with in this friend group, and today i feel like i don't matter that much to them anymore. there's 12 of us now. i hate it. i was there from near the beginning when it was just 3 of us and i dont feel like i matter anymore. it's so fucking unfair that every single other one of them has friends and partners who are close to them, and i feel like i have no one. i feel like i'm the only one who cares about all of this as much as them, and i'm coming off too needy. they didn't sign up to have a deep bond with some random fucking tranny, they just wanted to play minecraft and that's it. and i dont feel like he is always available either, and i only talk to him every few days, and we're not nearly as close as we were before. my brother is trying too but i dont feel like i can call him a close friend i can just always be around. i know he cares about me but he has so many other people too. all i have is my pillow, and she's saved my life a few times by now, and i love her so much, but both her and i know that she isn't real. i just feel so shit and envious of everyone around me. people i used to go to school with are in year 12 now, they're thinking about going to uni now, they have friends. the people online around me are all still going through life, with their friends, with people to rely on, people who they can spend time with and be themselves around. they're still going outside. they have a clean body. they have a clean room. their lives aren't perfect but they're still moving forward. im just here. my body is fucking abhorrent and disgusting, everywhere i go on the internet people make jokes about others who don't shower, or making fun of unemployed people. they don't know how fucking disgusting it feels to not have showered for over half a year. they don't know what it's like to struggle to keep up with hygiene. they're all so fucking normal. they all have jobs or they all have school. im so fucking envious of everyone. i wish i could just have a normal life. it hurts seeing other people on discord matching with their partners, knowing that no one that i like or anyone who i'd like would ever date me. i haven't left the house in so long. and i always have to put energy into washing dishes or cooking to eat anything everyday, it drains me so much. i can't fucking do anything. i'm pathetic. i'm genuinely so fucking incompetent. everyone i used to be friends with when i was in school always have parents to cook for them everyday and they don't have to fucking worry about that. everyone around me is so normal and can eat normally, they can go outside, they have jobs, they have school, they have a clean body, a clean room, friends, partners, money, a comfortable house. i dont have any of that. i'm ugly and don't take care of myself. and all of this is my fault. i hate myself so much. i just wish someone could save me. i can't save myself. i want to kill myself so fucking badly. i have had to hide so much about my real self to these people i'm calling my friends, they don't know fucking anything about me. they would've never hung out with me if they knew how unhygenic and depressed i am. i'm so terrified of telling anyone about my true self because i dont want to burden anyone with my problems. my emotions are so severe, and i'm so sensitive, and i'm so fucking needy, i dont think i could ever find anyone who would be able to love me for who i am fully or even tolerate me. even if i want that so badly. everyone else around me is moving forward and i'm just stuck. stuck in my room. spending everyday tightly cuddling my pillow pretending she's a real person. doing fucking nothing with my life and just trying to feel okay. i'm such a failure. i wish i had a normal life. i want to hang myself. i've wanted to for years and was so close to doing it one time when i was about to go homeless, but i just can't fucking bring myself to do it. i hate that i feel the need to live so, because every day that i live the more pain, envy, guilt, and anxiety i have to go through. no one would ever fucking read this anyway, no one gives a shit. im just talking completely emotionally. if anyone read this they'd probably think of me so poorly. i'm just saying everything that i'm thinking right now without a filter. there's no one i can say this to anyway. i dont want to scare anyone, or hurt anyone, or make anyone uncomfortable. i'm so terrified of hurting anyone. i'm scared i'll hurt someone if i kill myself. god i just fucking hate everything right now. i'm seeing other people younger than me make better music than me too, so i don't even have any value in that, even if music is so important to me. i feel like i'm shit at everything i do. i'm genuinely so worthless. fucking hell. i hate myself. i'm so unlikeable and unloveable. i dont matter.
for the past few days i've just been thinking about what my ideal future would be like. and there's one moment that i keep imagining, that feels so out of reach and ridiculous. it's fucking stupid. but i just imagine myself, in my 20s, living in a relatively cold place in the world, in a house, while it's mildly snowing, and i'm laying on the couch with the love of my life, with my head on her chest, and the fireplace crackling near us. i've never felt snow before, but i'd imagine a fireplace during the snow is a comfortable place to cuddle with someone and be all up in their warmth. and she'd just be stroking my hair like i'm a cat, just telling me that everything's going to be okay, and i'm safe. that things are okay right now. my stomach would be full and i wouldn't feel hungry, i would be at a comfortable temperature, my body would be clean, i would feel comfortable knowing my room is clean and pretty, knowing that i'd have had a healthy amount of sunlight, knowing we have stable income, knowing i'm doing what i love in my life,- and we'd just be there together, feeling content with where our lives are at in that moment. that feels really out of reach, and honestly dumb and ridiculous. it's cheesy but it's what i really want. it makes me want to cry knowing that it's very likely that someday after all of these years of buildup, i'm going to have the courage to finally kill myself and leave everything behind. and i'll never be able to have that moment i wish for so badly. whatever. that's all i have to say right now i guess, not that anyone would read this.